


Desperately Wanting

by jericho



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-08
Updated: 2012-06-08
Packaged: 2017-11-07 06:31:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/427988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jericho/pseuds/jericho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A friendship that stagnates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desperately Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> Written around 2000.

They sat cross-legged on the floor, playing a racing game on the Nintendo. Brian was winning, because Brian always won at the racing games. Nick would go too fast in the corners and wipe out, and Brian had the patience to tap the button with his thumb and ease his way around them before shooting off into a straight stretch. 

Nick had wiped out on the first two corners, so he knew there was no way he was going to win. He glanced sideways at Brian, who was focused intently on the screen, expressionless, his mouth open a little. That look of blank concentration. Kevin called it "video game face." 

That was when he realized that he wanted to kiss Brian. It wasn't a shocking realization. He'd always felt like he kind of loved Brian. They'd curl up on the tour bus, Nick rubbing his eyes and trying to stifle yawns, and he'd rest his head on Brian's chest. Brian's hand would move absently across his head a couple of times, petting him, and then Brian would kiss him on the forehead. It wasn't romantic. It was just the sort of thing you did when you were such close friends that you couldn't stand being without each other. Nick would fall asleep with his ear over Brian's steadily beating heart, and Brian wouldn't move until Nick woke up. And Brian could continue a conversation with whoever was in the room, making silly voices and laughing a little, because Nick could sleep through anything. 

Watching Brian play the racing game was something Nick had done a hundred times, but this time his heart felt so full that he wasn't sure he could hold the tremendous burst of love he felt. Brian would think it was a little ridiculous if he knew, because Nick was only 16, which everyone said was too young to fall in love. 

So he just watched Brian's lips. It was only for a second, but it was long enough for his car to crash into a tree and burst into flames. 

Brian let out one of his crazy laughs, which was half giggle and half cackle. "I think you're done there, partner." 

"Yeah," Nick said, the grumble more for show than anything else. 

Brian hit the button to stop the game, and the screen came up that said "One or two players?" "You up for another one?" Brian asked. 

"Nah," Nick said, tossing his controller on the floor. "I'm tired of you kicking my butt." 

Brian tossed his controller next to Nick's and lay back on the floor, tucking his hands behind his head, chewing his gum thoughtfully at the ceiling. Nick lay back so his position matched Brian's, and their elbows bumped. 

"What do you wanna do?" Brian asked. 

"I dunno," Nick said. But he did know. 

Brian rolled his head and looked at Nick, chewing his gum a couple of times before his face broke into a wide grin. "Wanna sit here and talk to the ceiling for awhile?" 

There was something about that grin that Nick couldn't help but return. "Mmkay. Although there's kinda something else I wanna do." 

Brian raised his eyebrows the way Brian always did when he was looking quizzical. He had a set facial expression for every mood. "What's that?" 

Nick took a deep breath and then lost his nerve. "Nothing." 

Brian poked him in the side a little, which he never did hard enough for it to hurt. "Come on, Frack. Out with it." 

Nick took another deep breath, watching the ceiling, listening to the moist sound of Brian chewing his gum. And he wasn't sure where he found the nerve to say it, but he did. "I wanna kiss you. Just for a second." 

He risked a glance and found Brian grinning wildly, eyes dancing and silly. "Why the heck do you want to do that?" 

Nick shrugged, trying to make it look like he didn't care one way or the other. "I dunno. I just do. I've never...kissed a guy before, you know? I've always kind of wondered what it would be like. Haven't you?" 

He looked at Brian expectantly. Brian shrugged, the movement genuinely open and effortless. "Okay." 

Nick rolled onto his side, squirming across the foot of carpet separating them. Brian took the gum out of his mouth, an action that seemed small and casual considering the enormity of what was about to happen. Although Nick supposed it was only enormous to him. 

Brian looked up at him with his narrow, beaming blue eyes. They reminded Nick of tiny marbles. They almost seemed too small for his face, compared to Brian's smile, which was too large for his face. "You want a big kiss or a small kiss?" Brian asked. 

"I don't know." Nick closed his eyes, mouth already open a little, and they kissed. It wasn't a big one. It started open mouthed because Nick had gone into it that way, but then they pursed their lips and it became more chaste. 

It came to its natural end a couple of seconds later and Brian smiled. "Cool?" 

"Yeah." Nick closed his eyes again and leaned in, making this kiss a little harder, more enthusiastic. He expected Brian to back off, but Brian didn't, so he concentrated on trying to open Brian's mouth with his own. When it happened, Nick tried to be cool and inconspicuous about slipping his tongue inside. He tried not to look like he was taking this too seriously. But it was hard. 

There was a hint of peppermint on Brian's tongue, sweet and cool. Brian kissed back with just enough enthusiasm to make Nick feel like they were both having fun. 

Nick pulled away and swallowed hard. "That was fun." 

"Yeah." There was nothing bad or good about Brian's voice. Nothing to encourage or deter. It was as if they were assessing a new video game. 

Nick tried to sound confident. "Can we do that again sometime?" 

Brian looked at the ceiling and put his gum back in his mouth, chewing it thoughtfully a couple of times. "Sure. Why not?" 

*** 

For the first couple of months, Nick had to earn a kiss. He had to pick the exact right time to ask. A time when they were being neither too silly or too serious. He had to wait for those moments of temporary boredom, when no one else was around. And they didn't come often. Even when he and Brian shared a room, Brian would come out of the bathroom in his boxer shorts and fall asleep immediately, leaving Nick laying awake wondering when they could kiss again. 

Finally Nick decided that when he wanted a kiss, he was going to take one. Brian would get out of the shower and Nick would be waiting, pulling him in and kissing him. If they napped in the same bunk on the bus, Nick would lean over Brian's shoulder until Brian turned his head and Nick would kiss him before he went to sleep. The breaking point came one day when Brian rolled onto his back, squirming within the confined space of the bunk, and pulled Nick down and kissed him back. They lay there for a few long, blissful minutes, kissing deeply to the sound of the other guys chattering and moving around on the other side of the curtain. 

They started napping in the same bunk just so it would give them a reason to close the curtain, curl up on the blankets and kiss. Brian ran his fingers through the golden strands of Nick's hair, and Nick massaged the back of Brian's neck with his fingers. After awhile he could actually put his arms around Brian and hold him close while they kissed. An embrace. 

Pretty soon, that was all they ever did. They kissed in their room, laying on the bed in the same position as they did on the bus, kissing until Nick's lips felt swollen. He fell in love with the moist sound their lips made when they melted together, the feeling of Brian's tongue squirming against his. He couldn't figure out how he'd survived this long in life without kissing Brian. 

But there were new frustrations. The painful erection that ached for release. The increasingly desperate need to touch new parts of Brian's body. He waited until an extra long make-out session, one where their kisses reached a feverish level and they were both panting, to run his hand up Brian's shirt. He felt hard muscles against his palm, his erection rubbing against Brian's hip. He couldn't help but move against it, making his entire body throb. 

Brian put his hand on top of Nick's. Nick knew that Brian was going to stop him. But he was delirious with lust and only one thing was important right now. He dipped his head, resting his forehead against Brian's shoulder, and his voice was breathy and strained. "I can't help it. I need to get off so badly." 

Brian put his hand on Nick's shoulder, pushing a little, and Nick panicked. Then he realized that Brian was just rolling him onto his back. He wasn't going anywhere. He lay back, grabbing at Brian as Brian rolled onto his side and his fingers tugged at the button on Nick's pants. 

Nick was breathless. He wanted to ask Brian what he was doing, but he was afraid to say anything for fear that it would stop. 

"I'll take care of it," Brian whispered. Five glorious words. His hand slid into Nick's pants, tugging gently on Nick's erection. Nick pressed his head back into the pillow and moaned. It was embarrassing how little time it took for Brian to get him off. 

Brian removed his hand and sat up. Nick knew that Brian was hard. It was impossible for him not to be. He just wanted to do the same thing for Brian. To make Brian feel better than anything ever had. But Brian got off the bed and went into the bathroom before he had a chance to stop him. 

He came back out a few minutes later, dressed in the boxer shorts he wore to bed. He kissed Nick on the forehead and then climbed into his own bed. Nick watched him roll onto his side, leaving him to stare at the pale skin and fine muscles on Brian's back. Brian's hand rested on his shoulder, fingers peeking over, and soon Brian was asleep. 

Nick went in and got ready for bed himself, coming out to find Brian breathing so deeply that it was almost a snore. He hovered at the end of Brian's bed, watching the sleeping figure. He wanted to touch him so badly that it seemed like a physical ache. 

He went over and switched off the light, standing in the dark room and looking at the lump of blankets. Just once. That was all. Hell, Brian hadn't even wanted to kiss him at first, and now they were doing it all the time. 

Nick held his breath when he lifted the sheet and climbed into Brian's bed, snuggling up against Brian's back. Brian mumbled something intangible and kept breathing deeply. Asleep. 

Nick waited silently, watching Brian squirm and roll onto his back, hand resting limply on his stomach. In ten seconds, Nick figured, he would do it. He would make his move. 

Ten...nine...eight.... 

He studied the smooth skin around Brian's bellybutton, and the trail of golden hair underneath it that was too dark to spot, but Nick knew it was there. He slid down in bed, trying not to pull the blankets with him, and his lips hovered over Brian's stomach for a few seconds before he finally had the nerve to let them land. 

At first, Brian didn't react at all. He kept breathing deeply, fast asleep. Nick moved down a little lower and Brian's arm twitched. 

He made it all the way down to Brian's boxers, his lips pressing against the half hardness, before Brian's eyes opened. "Nick," he mumbled. "What are you doing?" 

Nick had to cough a little to start his heart beating again. "I just want to do this." 

"Nick, no." Brian's hand landed on Nick's head, fingers brushing through Nick's hair. 

"Please?" 

"No. Come here." 

Nick crawled back up the bed, landing next to Brian. Nick took the unspoken cue and rolled onto his side so Brian's chest was against his back. Brian's arm slid around him and squeezed a little, in kind of a sleepy half-hug, before Nick heard him fall back asleep. 

Maybe some day Brian would let him do that, Nick thought as he fell asleep. Maybe some day Brian would do it to him. 

But that day never came, and that was the last time he got to lay around kissing Brian. 

*** 

Nick couldn't decide what sucked more - that he was at Brian's wedding, or that he wasn't drunk yet. 

He'd been downing the drinks as fast as any of them. As fast as AJ, even. But he just couldn't get that pleasant buzz going. 

He went back to the men's washrooms and turned on the cold water tap, cupping his hands to gather some of it before he bent and splashed it on his face. Some of it dampened his shirt collar, but everyone would look like hell by the end of the night, so it didn't really matter. 

He was still bent over the sink when he heard the door open and the gentle shuffle of feet across the floor. He couldn't decide if he was surprised or not when he stood up and saw Brian in the mirror. "Having fun?" Brian asked. 

Nick wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt. "I guess." 

"Kevin and my brother are going to get up and jam a little." Brian turned on the tap and ran his hands under the water, rubbing them for a second. "I got cake on me." 

Nick grabbed a paper towel and handed it over. Brian wiped his hands and smiled a little. "Thanks." 

"You're welcome." 

Brian rested his hand on the back of Nick's neck, pulling him down long enough to kiss him quickly on the lips. "I love you, Frack." 

"I love you, too." Nick's answer was automatic, because he did. He always had. 

Brian tossed the paper towels in the garbage and headed for the door. "You coming out?" 

"In a minute." 

Nick listened to the door close and leaned against the counter. And there it was. His last kiss. And it took no effort at all to get the paper towel dispenser to crack under his knuckles. 


End file.
